Life of Pi (taters) – A Starch Reality

Don’t ask me why, but I was doing some research on potatoes and learned of the difficult and interesting lives of taters.

Taters are born into litters of 15 to 20. The crunchy newborns, or “tots” battle a host of natural predators from school lunch ladies to trendy pubs to Ore-Ida. Most are rounded up, individually frozen, fried in oil and served as side dishes. The survivors face steep odds. A mere 1 in 5 tater tots will grow up to be tater teens and only 1 in 10 of those will qualify for Potato Head Start programs.

A mere 1 in 5 tater tots will grow up to be tater teens

Let’s look at the story of the Russet family, Chip, Julienne and Spud. When Chip, the potatriarch of the family, disappeared, having never returned from a Super Bowl party, Julienne was left to raise Spud as a single tuber. (Julienne never would have let Chip attend that party if she knew there were going to be dippers there.) Once single, Julienne wanted Spud to have a strong pa-tater figure in his life and to know that men are not Au Gratin. She tried meeting other tubers only to find series of small potatoes, like Gnocchi, an Italian immigrant with an appetizing profile on TatersOnly.com, a popular potating website. Unfortunately Gnocchi, like many small potatoes, have “short tuber” complex and find it hard to resist the temptation to get fully loaded or “stuffed”. Like Chip before him, Gnocchi attended a potluck never to return.

The chips were now stacked against Julienne, who often felt whipped. She found it more and more difficult to keep her protective eyes, even the ones in back of her head, on Spud. She knew all too well the danger of the streets and cycle of addiction, because as a new potato, she herself struggled with crystal mash. Once hooked, she began to lose weight and earned the nickname “shoestring” because of her thin and crunchy appearance. Luckily, she was able to kick before she was found sprinkled atop a casserole. Many of these addicts become fully dehydrated and can contract Pringles, whose flavor has been known to induce a fever in humans. Once that happens, a tater is doomed and consumed.

“I’m the real tater, yes, I’m the real tater, all the other taters are just imi-taters” – Da Finga Lingz

Inevitably Spud began to rebel, gaining false bravado from popular hip-tot artists like Tay-Tuzz, Da Finga Lingz or Kan’t Spel with albums like Get Mashed or Caserollin’. Lyrics like “I’m the real tater, yes, I’m the real tater, all the other taters are just imi-taters” can really a-peel to young taters. Spud would eventually join the Homefryz, a street gang. These gangs live glamorous lives in street culture, but a dicey one at that. Most live in and out of sacks, begin wielding knives, mixing with the savory elements of society and end up scalloping themselves or other young taters.

Spud quickly embraced street life, earning the nickname “Small Fry”, and began experimenting with Yukon Gold, a popular strain of marijuana among tater teens. Predictably he moved on to harsher things like smoking hash browns. Upon consumption Small Fry was overcome with overwhelming cravings known as “the munchies”. Couple that with paranoia and Small Fry literally ate himself to death.

The vast majority of tater teens will at some point wrap themselves in foil and experiment with getting “baked”

Now, the sad story of Spud “Small Fry” Russet may be an extreme case, but the starch reality is that the vast majority of tater teens will at some point wrap themselves in foil and experiment with getting “baked”. For most the experience proves too intense. They can’t stand the heat and will get out of the kitchen. But for some, once is not enough and they will get twice-baked. Once that happens, they are just too damned delicious and will usually get consumed by an enormous man at King’s Table Buffet.

To learn more about the lives of potatoes, consult your own imagination.