New Years Resolutions 2015

As tradition dictates, I should like to list my nine-and-one-half resolutions for this New Year of 2015. Why nine-and-one-half? Because ten would just be showing off.

Gratitude: This is something sorely lacking in our narcissistic, self-centered culture. There is not enough gratitude in the world today, therefore (1) I resolve to treat each day like a gift, a gift that I have given to the people of Earth. Those who don’t show proper appreciation will be dead to me.

Self improvement: I long to be a safer driver. I vow (2) to look both ways when changing lanes, both up and down. Up at the road and down at my cell phone. Further, I promise (3) to come to a complete stop when I reach my destination.

Get into shape! My Tom Jones impression has been quite a crowd pleaser, thus I resolve (4) to wear tighter pants. Even if that means eating more food because, I also resolve (5) to buy no new pants.

Kindness: I promise (6) to be kind to everyone I meet. This is a radical change and might be kind of hard, so I might just start with being kind to everyone I haven’t met and see how that goes.

Education: If you know me, you know how much I value education, therefore I plan (7) to continue educating the people of Earth, while I break every issue down into plain English that even an American could understand.

Self restraint: Let’s face it, complaining about other people rarely fixes them. They still act the way they act and nothing I say has any effect on them and that bothers me. So this year I resolve (8) to not be bothered that my complaining is pointless and just learn 9) to appreciate my complaining for what it is: the truth laid bare, in a whiny tone.

Set goals: Complacency is the enemy, thus I vow to (9.5) aim higher, especially when using a tall urinal.

Ah be, ah be, ah be, that’s all folks!